I can’t sleep. My mind is stirring, I can’t stop pacing, and I’m biting my nails again (a habit I broke years ago). My feelings are completely tangled up and I’ve been trying to pull them free, line by line. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know which feelings are which. My heart is running hot and cold for this new, wonderful guy I’ve found… and for my ex.
The trouble is that I know I’m over him. I can rattle off a list of all the things he did wrong by me, the atrocities, the heartache, all of it. He and I were never meant to make it work, period. But caring for someone else - developing feelings for someone else, it’s stirring up a lot of old memories that I’d long forgotten. When I close my eyes and snuggle against the chest of this unfamiliar person, all I can see are the green walls of my old bedroom, my 19 year-old self cuddling and laughing with my ex, our dog at the foot of my bed, the smell of summer and excitement and the utter fear of falling for him. I was scared back then. As it turns out, I’m still scared now. Scared to move on, scared to forget, scared to let go of the sweet moments we shared all those years ago.
I’ve never done this. Every time I develop new feelings, I smother them in utero. I’ve been more comfortable with one-night stands than with feeling anything even remotely intense for any man that isn’t Alex.
So I’m trying to tell myself that it’s okay. And even if this new thing fizzles out, it’s worth a try. I’m allowing myself to feel exactly how I want to feel, but I’m not allowing myself to panic. It’s panic that holds me back, and it’s panic that keeps me in his grasp, even though I don’t want him anymore.
I’m trying so hard to breathe. And it hurts like all hell.